5 Things I Learned from my 7 year old

Me (this morning to my 7 year old daughter): Kamea, if Mommy could give you anything in the world, what would be? If I can grant you one wish to have something or do something you really really want... what would it be?
Kamea: To bring Grandpa back.
I was silenced. It is in these moments, these interactions with my children that remind me of the true meaning, the true purpose in life...which is to love and be loved.

5 Things I learned from my 7 year old

1. No matter how old you are, knowing that you are loved and cared for is the most important thing in life.

2. To learn is to live.

Kamea is so thirsty for knowledge. She wants to learn how to do things, A LOT of things. Recently, her Aunty Sabrina Razack taught her the card game Crazy Eights and she became obsessed with playing with anyone she could find in order to master the game...and she did. She does this with everything reminding me that thirst for learning makes us human and makes us feel alive. ‪#‎keeplearning‬

3. Having a blast with people you don't know AT ALL is easy and doing it can have major rewards

Over a year ago, I really wanted to hang out with a mentor Kim Clark who has a daughter the same age but never met Kamea before in her life. Worried, I ran to Shoppers to pick up cake mix to make some cupcakes. My goal: talk with my mentor with minimal interruptions. So we gave them the cake mix and said go! DIDN'T move from our chairs and they did it giggling with such delight we were letting them 'do it on their own'. Kamea still talks about to this day as one of her favourite memories.

4. What I fear for others has to do more my values and beliefs which can negatively impact them

Kamea wants to be a chef and an artist. Each time you ask her, that is her goal in life to the point she has now received 800 art sets and 457 cooking tools. As a parent I have my own 'expectations' for her. After reading Adam Grant's the Originals ( best book of 2016) realizing the impact of engaging in these (art/cooking)activities I let go...am fully embracing signing her up for art and cooking classes because it is about HER and she needs to feed her passion as it not only is it who she now, it will also a major part of who she will become.

5. Awesome fun memories need to be intentionally created

One of my favourite moments of 2016 is when I took a 2 hour dance workshop downtown to learn the Justin Beiber 'Sorry" choreography. I came home and asked her if she wanted to learn it and she said yes! For the next three hours we practiced, learned the dance, got dressed up like the girls in the video and DID THE DANCE all on video! She loved every second and the fun I had with her I will never forget because of the small intentionally goals along the to ensure it would be something we both could laugh about forever.

I was inspired to write this because these are the things my father taught me and I never ever want to forget it. My heart is forever broken knowing I can never be around him again and hearing my daughter say that to me this morning reminded me of how important it is stay true to your values.

5 things I did to get my daughter excited to read again- you won't believe what happened!

A couple weeks ago I received report cards for my kids. I noticed in 2 categories for reading my daughter received a lower than average score. I tried really hard not to let it bother me, but could not ignore the icky feeling I had in my stomach. For me there were 2 main issues that needed addressing, one had to do with my daughter and the other resided in myself.

I wanted to rectify both issues and first one needed to answer the following question:

How was I going to get Kamea excited about reading again?

Daniel Pink’s fascinating book called Drive explains how people are intrinsically motivated to do their best – a key point explained in the book was that the reality of what really drives behavior is that,  “once basic financial needs are met, people are more motivated by having a desire for Mastery and a sense of Autonomy/self-direction towards a driving Purpose (MAP)”

Does this apply for children too? According to Pink, incentives are ineffective and if used do not yield positive [long-term] results when it comes to productivity. Therefore, I needed to do something that didn’t involve ‘rewards’. Here’s is what I did:

1. I told her how she used to be such an amazing reader and asked her what happened? (Self-Direction)

In the quiet moments and conversations with my daughter I went on and on and ON AND ON at how amazing she used to be at reading. How fabulous she was reading difficult books and how much she used to impress her teachers, friends and all those around her because not only was she a good reader but she loved to complete reading multiple books at a time.

When I asked her what happened I noticed a shift in her body language to discomfort with what I was telling her. She became audibly defensive and upset with this claim and said “ I do know how to read good mama….I do! I do! I do!”

I wanted to remind her that she had it in her to be a good reader, it was now up to her to decide how she wanted to respond with this new information. I gave her NO direction or task to complete…it was completely up to her on how she wanted to respond to our conversations = self-direction or self-determination.  

2. I gave her negative feedback (Purpose)

After reading the chapter on ‘giving children [too much] praise’ in the book Nutureshock by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman I became more aware of when it is more appropriate or beneficial to give a child praise that will positively affect their development….but can negative feedback be just as valuable?

I told Kamea that I was not impressed with her lack of motivation for not WANTING to read. How it mad me SAD that she does not seem to enjoy reading anymore. I also stated OVER and OVER how much ‘mama, all her friends, her teachers, family members loves to read so much and reading is so much fun because you can learn about so many interesting things”

This gave her a purpose to not only show her mama that she can do it, but it because clear that she wanted to prove to herself that she in fact was able to read really well. As a result of this feedback, Kamea developed a purpose.

3. Choose challenging vs. easy reading goals (in my mind anyway!)

My mother gave her a short novel called ‘Mia and the Big Sister Ballet’ with 32 pages developed for kids 4-8 years old. In my mind, the book was SUPER above her level by sheer volume alone. Kamea seemed to know know this book was something BOTH of us thought was a major challenge - that if she were able to pull it off it would impress the socks off of both of us.

So what happened? (Mastery)

She found the ‘Mia’ book ON HER OWN and began reading.

And reading.

And reading.

And reading.

It has come to the point now where she won’t stop and she will read the entire book before bedtime! She challenges herself repeatedly to read the hard words by sounding them out in order to get through them on her own – she hates when I correct her but will still ask for help. It still amazes me that she has perfected some words in my mind I thought she could never read. She has now on her way to Mastering the “Mia” book and we both could not be more impressed.

So it appears that maybe Pink’s theory can apply to kids, but there was more to this issue. I knew I needed to address my own issues as a parent.

4. Don’t underestimate what your child in capable of.

I received the “Mia” book on her 5^th birthday and right away dismissed it to high of a level for her read. It sat on our bookshelf for 3 months and would of for much longer if her report cards did not come when they did.

Going through this was a gentle reminder that it is okay to give your children challenging things to do. I recently allowed Kamea to use a very sharp knife in the kitchen to cut some cucumbers…was I scared OF COURSE but I let go and she is now on her way to mastering this skill.

However the last point I have to make is the very reason I wrote this blog.

5.  Be careful of becoming a parent that does not reflect your true values

This year I read parts of Glen Doman’s best selling book, “How to multiply your baby’s intelligences”. Doman writes children learn best by repetition, routinely introducing and practicing ‘learning’ about various subjects. That being said I know that each kid in my daughter’s Montessori is required to bring home a book bag that has to be signed off every week by the parent. Kamea was not bringing home a book bag for the past….wait for it …8 months!!! YES, I emailed the teacher to get a new bag 2 months ago but did not follow up as I told myself we do enough reading with her at home but of course this can easily fell behind.

This is what I told myself. But when I saw the report card what do you think the first thing I thought about was?

The book bag.

Me not giving a priority to ensure I was on top of her ‘homework’ is in direct conflict of my values on education and more specifically reading. It is so easy to get consumed we forget what really matters most.

Dr. Ned Hallowell states that our current technology has designed interactive screens that sets off the “same dopamine circuitry that drives ADDICITION to capture your attention, you don’t give it away it is seduced to you”.

During the short time my children are awake there was numerous times I caught myself sneaking away for long periods so I could go on my own digital devices, Multiple times my husband had to snap me out of it for tuning out while the kids were vying for my attention as I was engrossed in a group chat, emails or blogs on my iPhone.

So I made a conscious effort to delete the more ‘addictive’ apps on my phone to minimize the attention I was giving to it to focus more on my children. Not for any other reason because they are what I value most in this world. I know I have to actively work on being more present-daily. 

Questions to think about:

How can you motivate your children to complete tasks without ‘telling them what to do?’

Is there a way to develop a purpose within children that can positively affective their social development?

In what ways can you introduce more challenging activities in your child’s life that will push the outside of their comfort zone?

Yasmin Razack is a Personal + Professional Life Coach who works with women in transition to unlock their limitless potential in all aspects of life. For more information please visit limitlesswomen.ca  or email her at yasmin@limitlesswomen.ca

What People will Always Remember About You & My Pajama Pants

What People will Always Remember About You

& My Pajama Pants

Started a new job. Husby is away for work. Kid gets sick. Have no childcare. Got childcare. Picked up kids. Kid gets more sick. Feeling EXHAUSTED. Stressed…

But something juicy is waiting for me at home. Something I know is going to make me feel so good, relaxed and calm.

Something that will make me exhale – for the first time that day.

WHAT?

My 5 year old, worn out, stained, ripped at the bottom pajama pants. Yes, its true – as sad as it may be: I COULD NOT WAIT to be in them JUST to get that feeling.

THAT FEELING.

Why am I sharing this? Everyday it is a roller coaster ride as a career-loving mom, and getting into those pajama pants becomes the highlight of my day because of how good and happy they made me feel inside and out.  It signifies my large part of my day was over and it gives feeling of “being home and carefree”  not to mention UBER comfortable.

Pajamas are simple piece of clothing yet brings me so much joy. It always reminds me that  – the simple things in life are what brings us the most joy.

Maya Angelou says it best, “ I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

I will admit so many times this week I could of said  things, done things to people at work and even to my children in my moments of frustration but stopped and thought of Maya’s Angelou’s words.

Easier said that done…but well worth the effort.

2 Questions for you:

1. How conscious are you of your own actions and implications of them when interacting with others?
2. What are the simple things in your own life - like pajama pants you go to in order to feel good?

Yasmin Razack is a Personal + Professional Life Coach who works with women in transition to unlock their limitless potential in all aspects of life. For more information please visit limitlesswomen.ca  or email her at yasmin@limitlesswomen.ca

5 Things I Know for Sure About Being Married After 5 Years

I remember the night I met my husband like it was yesterday, the feeling he gave me, the butterflies in my stomach and the excitement in my heart. We connected and began a relationship I had NO idea would turn into: Marriage.

My mother called me the day after the wedding when I was still on blissful high from all the hype and fun we had on our special day and she said, “Yasmin, it is really important that you understand that now your husband is now your family. He is now your FAMILY and he is also our FAMILY”

What? I was confused.

My family is my parents, siblings and extended family I grew up with my entire life. Now my husband was my family??? How can he be in the same category with people who l loved and loved me unconditionally my entire life?

I took those words very seriously and it grounded my understanding on what ‘husband’ means and most importantly how I valued a marriage relationship. And because FAMILY is #1 in my value system…..

I am no relationship expert but wanted to both share my thoughts after 5 years of being married and invite you to share yours.

• Love is not enough.
•  If one person stops growing and evolving as a person it can negatively affect the relationship.
• Define your love and marriage frequently by listening to each other, talk about how you want to love and be loved consistently.
• Never underestimate the power of romance à consistent acts of romance.
• Fully understand how false ideologies on the expectations of marriage and the roles of wife, husband, mother, father can impact your relationship.

Although it is tempting to expand on these ideas, I am still on this journey of learning how to be in this relationship…But knowing my core values as my mother pointed out early on helps me to stay grounded.

5 years is not a long time, but for us we celebrated our anniversary to the max and I feel truly blessed to still be in complete awe of my husband.

Knowing your own values is SUPER important in every relationship, when you experience challenging times they will provide you with answers and guidance back to your true self.

Do you know what your core values are? How does knowing your values affect the help you in creating and maintaining good relationships with others? With yourself?

If you don’t try answering this simple question: Who are you and what is truly important to you?

Your answer should be in alignment with what you value or your system of values.

Yasmin Razack is a Personal + Professional Life Coach who works with women in transition to unlock their limitless potential in all aspects of life. For more information please visit limitlesswomen.ca  or email her at yasmin@limitlesswomen.ca

5 Things All Women of Colour Leaders Should Do

By: Yasmin Razack 

As a woman who is very much into fashion I decided to click on a link that the Toronto Star featured called, Top 10 Most Stylish Canadian Women . I was curious to look to the diverse styles and female fashionista’s that reflect our cultural mosaic. 

Instead I clicked through pictures of all white women in western-styled clothes. Infuriated I decided to do my own Google search and write a blog that would represent diverse women on my own but became frustrated as even the Internet failed to answer my query. 

Recently, the Huffington Post did some research on magazine covers and found from September 2012 to September 2013, 82% of the women on the covers of these magazines were white.

You might be thinking, get OVER it – it is only fashion and fashion magazines. Why does it matter for a brown-skinned woman who is striving to be a leader?

I am not about to write a thesis on the representation of women of colour but what I do want to say is extremely important for all women, especially women of colour who are striving to become leaders in their personal and/or professional lives. 

In the book Blink, by Malcolm Gladwell he coins a phrase called ‘thin-slicing’ that resonated with me so much that I educated everyone that I could about it.  He writes: 

“Thin-slicing” refers to the ability of our unconscious to find patters in situations and behaviour based on very narrow slices of experience. When our unconscious engages in thin-slicing, what we are doing is an automated, accelerated unconscious version… “

In other words our unconscious attitudes may be utterly incompatible with our stated conscious values. 

TRANSLATION:

“You don’t choose to make positive associations with the dominant group…you are required to. All around you , that group is being paired with good things. You open the newspaper and you turn on the television and you can’t escape it.” (p.85) 

You can’t escape it. 
You can’t escape it. 
You can’t escape it. 

I am STARVING for positive representations for women of colour ANYWHERE  in the mainstream.   As a Caribbean woman of colour in the media I am virtually invisible in the mainstream...so what does this mean?  

Fortunately I had my family that was filled with strong, independent, smart and inspiriting women that motivated me to do my best. 

However in those moments when I am required to make my OWN decisions in education, relationships, career choices in addition to building my OWN self-confidence I have to do the work that I found at times challenging not being from the dominant culture. 

Recently I did a poll of women of colour who I thought to be leaders or are yearning to become ‘better’ leaders in their given industry and what struck me most was the lack of confidence in comparison to their white counterparts…

What can we do about this? 

Back to Gladwell, he wrote that in order to ‘reverse’ or ‘combat’ the negative messages about groups outside the mainstream you must actively search, connect and learn about those who are demonstrate excellence in all aspects of life. 

So I did. 

5 Things All Women of Colour Leaders Should Do

1. Find success stories of women of colour in your own industry.

Learning about other women of colour that have achieved success and share their story with your network. If you don’t talk about it and what is inspiring about their story with others it will not manifest in your brain as something worthy or memorable. Taking a step further would be to write in your personal journal about it. 

2. Subscribe to blogs that will send your confidence THROUGH THE ROOF. 

Here is a list of - 23 Fierce Female Bloggers to follow published by one of my favourite blogs: Coloured Girl Confidential. Trust me it can change your life. 

3. 40% of what we do DAILY is habit.

What is a habit that you do which contributes to a negative self-image/concept about who you are? For me it was gossip sites that detailed stories that were extremely condensing to women in particular women of colour SO I CUT IT OUT (except for Rihanna’s Twitter feed;) and replaced my 'free-time' reading with the FIERCE female bloggers listed above!

4. Become GOOD friends with the people from the MAINSTREAM. 

Recently, according to an ongoing Reuters 2013 poll only 40 per cent of white Americans and about 25 per cent of non-white Americans are surrounded exclusively by friends of their own race – there are a lot of valuable things to learn from befriending others that are from a different background of your own- noting that your exposure and understanding of valuable ideas, tools or strategies be limited simply due to ‘access’. I have LOADS of examples on this. 

5.   Control your dialogue and self-talk about race and racism.

Try to limit the negative talk about race and racism to a minimum or else it can become a self-limiting belief. This is extremely challenging because in my mind ‘everything has to do with race’. We can discuss race in a constructive way – but overly indulging in conversations that allude to race as an issue can be preventing YOU from achieving the success you are worth of. Been there. SOOO been there. 

As a woman of colour what some things you do to become and/or maintain a leader in your personal and professional life? How do you build your self-confidence to achieve your personal and professional goals?

Comment below!

Yasmin Razack is a Personal + Professional Life Coach who works with women in transition to unlock their limitless potential in all aspects of life. For more information please visit limitlesswomen.ca  or email her at yasmin@limitlesswomen.ca