A couple weeks ago I received report cards for
my kids. I noticed in 2 categories for reading my daughter received a lower than average
score. I tried really hard not to let it bother me, but could not ignore the
icky feeling I had in my stomach. For me there were 2 main issues that needed
addressing, one had to do with my daughter and the other resided in myself.
I wanted to rectify both issues and first one
needed to answer the following question:
How was I going to get Kamea excited about
reading again?
Daniel Pink’s fascinating book called Drive explains how people are
intrinsically motivated to do their best – a key point explained in the book
was that the reality of what really drives behavior is that, “once basic financial needs are met, people
are more motivated by having a desire for Mastery and a sense of Autonomy/self-direction
towards a driving Purpose (MAP)”
Does this apply for children too? According to
Pink, incentives are ineffective and if used do not yield positive [long-term] results
when it comes to productivity. Therefore, I needed to do something that didn’t
involve ‘rewards’. Here’s is what I did:
1. I told her how she used to be such an amazing reader and asked
her what happened? (Self-Direction)
In the quiet moments and conversations with my
daughter I went on and on and ON AND ON at how amazing she used to be at
reading. How fabulous she was reading difficult books and how much she used to
impress her teachers, friends and all those around her because not only was she
a good reader but she loved to complete reading multiple books at a time.
When I asked her what happened I noticed a
shift in her body language to discomfort with what I was telling her. She
became audibly defensive and upset with this claim and said “ I
do know how to read good mama….I do! I do! I do!”
I wanted to remind her that she had it in her
to be a good reader, it was now up to her to decide how she wanted to respond with
this new information. I gave her NO direction or task to complete…it was
completely up to her on how she wanted to respond to our conversations = self-direction
or self-determination.
2. I gave her negative feedback (Purpose)
After reading the chapter on ‘giving children [too much] praise’ in
the book Nutureshock by Po Bronson
and Ashley Merryman I became more aware of when it is more appropriate or beneficial
to give a child praise that will positively affect their development….but can
negative feedback be just as valuable?
I told Kamea that I was not impressed with her
lack of motivation for not WANTING to read. How it mad me SAD that she does not seem to enjoy reading anymore. I also stated OVER
and OVER how much ‘mama, all her friends, her teachers, family members loves to
read so much and reading is so much fun because you can learn about so many
interesting things”
This gave her a purpose to not only show her
mama that she can do it, but it because clear that she wanted to prove to herself
that she in fact was able to read really well. As a result of this feedback,
Kamea developed a purpose.
3. Choose challenging vs. easy reading goals (in my mind anyway!)
My mother gave her a short novel called ‘Mia and the Big Sister Ballet’ with 32 pages
developed for kids 4-8 years old. In my mind, the book was SUPER above her
level by sheer volume alone. Kamea seemed to know know this book was something BOTH of us thought was a major
challenge - that if she were able to pull it off it would impress the socks off
of both of us.
So what happened? (Mastery)
She found the ‘Mia’ book ON HER OWN and began reading.
And reading.
And reading.
And reading.
It has come to the point now where she won’t
stop and she will read the entire book before bedtime! She challenges herself
repeatedly to read the hard words by sounding them out in order to get through
them on her own – she hates when I correct her but will still ask for help. It
still amazes me that she has perfected some words in my mind I thought she could
never read. She has now on her way to Mastering the “Mia” book and we both
could not be more impressed.
So it appears that maybe Pink’s theory can
apply to kids, but there was more to this issue. I knew I needed to address my
own issues as a parent.
4. Don’t
underestimate what your child in capable of.
I received the “Mia” book on her 5th
birthday and right away dismissed it to high of a level for her read. It sat on
our bookshelf for 3 months and would of for much longer if her report cards did
not come when they did.
Going through this was a gentle reminder that
it is okay to give your children challenging things to do. I recently allowed
Kamea to use a very sharp knife in the kitchen to cut some cucumbers…was I
scared OF COURSE but I let go and she is now on her way to mastering this skill.
However the last point I have to make is the
very reason I wrote this blog.
5. Be careful of becoming a
parent that does not reflect your true values
This year I read parts of Glen Doman’s best selling
book, “How to multiply your baby’s
intelligences”. Doman writes children learn best by repetition, routinely
introducing and practicing ‘learning’ about various subjects. That being said I
know that each kid in my daughter’s Montessori is required to bring home a book
bag that has to be signed off every week by the parent. Kamea was not bringing
home a book bag for the past….wait for it …8 months!!! YES, I
emailed the teacher to get a new bag 2 months ago but did not follow up as I
told myself we do enough reading with her at home but of course this can easily
fell behind.
This is what I told myself. But when I saw the
report card what do you think the first thing I thought about was?
The book bag.
Me not giving a priority to ensure I was on top
of her ‘homework’ is in direct conflict of my values on education and more
specifically reading. It is so easy to get consumed we forget what really
matters most.
Dr. Ned Hallowell states that our current
technology has designed interactive screens that sets off the “same dopamine
circuitry that drives ADDICITION to
capture your attention, you don’t give it away it is seduced to you”.
During the short time my children are awake
there was numerous times I caught myself sneaking away for long periods so I
could go on my own digital devices, Multiple times my husband had to snap me
out of it for tuning out while the kids were vying for my attention as I was
engrossed in a group chat, emails or blogs on my iPhone.
So I made a conscious effort to delete the more
‘addictive’ apps on my phone to minimize the attention I was giving to it to
focus more on my children. Not for any other reason because they are what I
value most in this world. I know I have to actively work on being more present-daily.
Questions to think about:
How can you motivate your children to complete
tasks without ‘telling them what to do?’
Is there a way to develop a purpose within
children that can positively affective their social development?
In what ways can you introduce more challenging
activities in your child’s life that will push the outside of their comfort
zone?
Yasmin Razack is a Personal + Professional Life Coach who works with women in transition to unlock their limitless potential in all aspects of life. For more information please visit limitlesswomen.ca or email her at yasmin@limitlesswomen.ca
