Shame on You- Shame on Me: Why You Should Share Your Stories of Shame

By : Yasmin Razack

limitlesswomen.ca

Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthily of acceptance or belonging. Women often experience shame when they are entangled in a web of layered, conflicting and competing social community expectation. Shame creates feelings of fear, blame and disconnection. – Brene Brown, 2012 ( I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t)

What do you do when you have the utmost respect for a friend...But in an error of bad judgment - disrespected them?

What do you do when you adore a person and the times you shared with that friend...And they no longer want you a part of their life?

Human relationships are complicated, and recently when ‘former’ close friend communicated all of the above I was so deeply saddened I didn't know what to do.At the moment, I am reading Brene Bown's book I Thought It Was Just me (but it isn’t) on women reclaiming power and course in a culture of shame; and I began this blog with the definition of shame because I recently experiences high levels of shame from a situation that quickly became unbearable. I began to feel awful…really awful about myself.

These thoughts began to really take over my mind until I actually took the advice found in Chapter 5 of Brown’s book - The Third Element : Reaching Out. And the title of the chapter is exactly that simple, reaching out to others by Sharing our Story + Creating change.Because when we don’t reach out, we “fuel our shame and create isolation”.  Which is what I was doing by NOT reaching out to others regarding my feelings surrounding the situation.

But this takes courage and it is not that easy as Brown writes that, “sometimes we face real threats and consequences when we speak our minds and share our stories.”Even to get to that place Brown also writes that we should have, “understanding our triggers and having some level of critical awareness about our issues make reaching out to others less scary…”  I knew what my triggers were and reaching out so definitely not scary for me.

Taking Brown’s advice I did reach out to my close friends and it was extremely powerful. I still remember all of the compassionate responses from my inner circle that literally made my heart smile when my emotions were at an all time low . The more I shared I also realized that this didn’t ONLY HAPPEN TO ME my levels of shame began to shift more to an focus on the important lessons I learned about myself and friendship versus feeling shameful.

Brown writes, “empathy seeking is driven by the need to know that we are not alone”. Reaching out definitely proved this theory completely, minimizing my high levels of shame that I was experiencing.

Empathy and Compassion

To be a Limitless Woman it is critical to know what your triggers are and to have a critical awareness of your issues that may be preventing you from being your best self. 

My favourite part of Brown’s book so far is the encouragement to reach out to other women. She explains this by detailing how women should listen to stories of other women through a lens of understanding and explains how to effectively demonstrate empathy and compassion. In simple terms Brown wrote, “empathy is about connection; sympathy is about separation”. In other words, most times when people share their stories with you, the do not want to be pitied; what they are seeking is your empathy for their given situation.

In other words, “we need to be open and present if we are willing to practice compassion”.  She reminded me that in order practice empathy we need to connect with the emotions of others without judgment.

She asks important questions in this process:

Can we be with [someone] in their shame? Or do we feel the need to make it better or redirect the conversation?

Brown defines compassion as a relationship between equals and states, “only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity”

If we are to become Limitless Women and encourage others to be limitless we need to reserve our judgment when we are listening to women who open up about their respective issues. I am not saying as women we don’t do this but we can do better – there is always room for improvement!

When I decided to reach out to my inner circle I sincerely felt the compassion of my friends and family and it was truly powerful. So I wanted to invite all Limitless Women to consider the following actions if they are experience feelings of shame:

1. Reflect and understand why you are feeling shame with yourself and as Brown writes, “move gently towards what scares [you]”.

2. When you are completely honest about your struggles, you are much less likely to GET STUCK – sharing your story is part of this process.

3. How can you recognize your shame triggers? Start by these fill in the blank statements: I want to be perceived as _______  and ________________ and I do NOT want to be perceived as ____________ or ____________. ( Brown, 2013)

This blog is Part 1 because the second part of Brown’s chapter is on Creating Change which I have yet to read. It was such a powerful experience for me so I ask you the question, when you have felt shame did you reach out to others? What was your experience and did it make you feel better about your situation? Will you consider sharing MORE of your stories in order to effectively manage your shame triggers?

 Yasmin Razack is a Personal + Professional Life Coach who works with women in transition to unlock their limitless potential in all aspects of life. For more information please visit limitlesswomen.ca or email her at yasmin@limitlesswomen.ca.